Today is Valentine’s Day. That made up by Hallmark day created to boost sales of greeting cards, stress out the men who forgot and make women without a love of their own play Adele’s Someone Like You on an endless loop while crying the ugly cry.

Yes, the day where you are either blissfully in love or thisclose to crawling into a bottle of Stoli. There is no in between today. No happy medium. You either have a Valentine or you feel like no one will ever love you. During lunch hours and rush hours today, the stores will be packed with those who failed to plan ahead. Or who received a not so subtle reminder from their wives last night. And no doubt, these poor saps will purchase things that no woman would consider a gift that represents the giver’s enduring love.

So I give you a warning. Call it a public service announcement, if you will.

These are the top 10 last minute gifts not to buy for your woman unless you want to get kicked in the nuts:

1. A Snuggie – what, you can’t be bothered to keep your woman warm?
2. Cookware – unless you plan on being the one to use it.
3. Any cleaning implement
4. A Chia Pet
5. Lingerie – we buy that to wear for you, dumbass, not the other way around.
6. An empty jewelry box – there better be something in there or you’re toast.
7. Chocolates – we buy those tomorrow when they’re half price, numnuts. Stop spending frivolously or you’ll be in bigger trouble than you already are.
8. A Forever Lazy – although my friend Jenny from The Shed loves the one she stole from her husband. But she’s the exception to the rule. Most women will kick you twice in the nads for this one. Also see #1.
9. A child’s Valentine card – knowing that you were too lazy to get a real card so you raided what was left of the kids’ class cards will put you in the dog house until at least the 4th of July, if not ’til Christmas.
10. A Valentine card not meant for the love of your life — using the excuse “it’s all they had left” will not help your argument. Trust me on this.

Should you lose your damn mind and buy any of these taboo items, I highly suggest you take tomorrow off, get thee to the jewelry store and buy her something sparkly. Add a few spa treatments to that gift for good measure. Oh, and clean the house for her. The right way. It’s the only way you might get yourself out of the dog house and laid before the 2012 Apocalypse. Otherwise, it’ll be just you and your hand for the foreseeable future.

Top 10 Last Minute Valentine Gifts NOT To Buy For Your Woman. Unless You Want To Get Kicked In The Nuts. is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

We all need tips for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. Pay close attention and you will learn the best ways to kill, hide from and distract Zombies so that you can make a safe get away. I’m not kidding. These are skills we all need to have. No one knows when this will happen so it’s best to be prepared. Californians know this well. We’ve been preparing and bracing for The Big One since I was child. So far it hasn’t happened, but we all have earthquake survival kits in our houses.

Think about it, how likely is it that there will be some kind of super-virus that annihilates most of society sometime in the future? Considering that a virus can spread worldwide at an alarming rate, it actually is very likely. Even the CDC has an article on how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and what to expect from them when it happens. This is not a joke. They actually wrote this themselves.

I say zombies are more dangerous a threat to civilization than 2012 or earthquakes.

But I’m weird.

And usually right about this stuff.

So there.

Or you can just trip your real friends so that they get eaten while you go on to help eradicate those smelly zombies and repopulate the world. Because that’s what real friends do…they sacrifice themselves in order to let you live.

My Husband and I love SciFi. We also have a thing for Zombies. Since last year, we have been watching AMC’s The Walking Dead. It’s a great show. With Zombies. Although, I must admit, I wasn’t always so keen on them. Or anything horror related, for that matter. Horror movies scare the shit out of me. And where did my husband take me on our first date? To see Halloween #something! I had my face buried either in my hands or his shoulder the whole time.

When I was pregnant, he took me to see not one, but TWO zombie movies. The first was Dawn Of The Dead, the second was Shawn Of The Dead.

I was pregnant. With his daughter.

When she was a baby and I needed a break one night, I left him to care for The Diva for about an hour. When I came back, I heard NOTHING. No noise, no crying. I was concerned. I walked in the bedroom to find him sitting on the bed with the baby in his arms while watching DAWN OF THE DEAD. I almost blew a gasket thinking he was going to warp my infant daughter’s succeptible mind.

But Ro was perfectly quiet and transfixed on the screen.

I still think that her young mind was somehow damaged by that movie. But I probably won’t know the answer to that until she’s a teenager.

Pray for me.

Tips For Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

You will have to blame The Bloggess for this. It’s her fault. She posted the link to the Rick Perry video. Then I went exploring. And I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. And I needed that today, considering what happened on Friday.

So these genius guys with WAY too much time on their hands decided to have some fun with lip-synching/lip-reading. The results are below. And if you don’t laugh out loud at any of these, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Just sayin’.

Someone Finally Revealed The Hidden Messages In These Videos. Thank GOD! is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

Póg mo thóin and Éirinn go Brách!

That means kiss my ass and Ireland forever, for those of you not familiar with the Gaelic language. I cuss in Gaelic. It’s fun. I’m Irish, I should know my native tongue, right? Oh, yes, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all.

I’m nearly 100% Irish and this means that…

And I don’t have to do the wearin’ o’the Green today so if you…

I do, however, want one of these little fellas cuz he’s kind of retro cool and  I’ll make the rat bastard tell me where he hid that damn pot o’gold.

And yes, Leprechauns ARE cooler than midgets {See above}

If any of you plan on celebrating this fine Irish holiday, it may benefit you to learn some Gaelic phrases that could help you during the festivities:

• To order a beer, say “Pionta Guinness, le do thoil” {A pint of Guinness, please!}
• When you’re feeling amourous, say “Tabhair póg dom, táim Éireannach” {Kiss me, I’m Irish!}
• When checking on the well being of your companions, say, “An bhfuil tú ar meisce fós?” {Are you drunk yet?}
• When you need to be specific about what beer you are ordering, say “beor uaine” {Green beer}
• When you’ve had enough Guinness and green beer for the day, say “uisce beatha” {Whiskey}
• When you’re feeling a bit saucy and brave from the libations you’ve ingested, say “Póg mo thóin (Éireannach)” {Kiss my Irish ass!}
• When you must identify what is floating all around you, say “seamróg” {Shamrock}
• When someone asks you how you are feeling and you must be honest, say “ar meisce” {Drunk}
• When you’re feeling the Luck o’the Irish after all those beers and whiskey, say “Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig oraibh!” {A St. Patrick’s Day blessing upon you!}

Here is a freebie bit o’Irish advice for the men out there:

Ná glac pioc comhairle gan comhairle ban. {Never take advice without a woman’s guidance.}

STAY SAFE, all. No drinking and driving!

I’ve written a St. Pat’s Day post every year since I began blogging in 2008. I’m not sure I can say much more than I have said previously, so I’m posting one of my favorites from 2010.

Today, if you are seeing lots of these…

You’ve had too many of these…

And need to stop doing this…

Or people will start calling you this…

You will then want to start some rumbles, when all you’ll really be doing is…

Please don’t drink and drive. You’ll spill your drink.

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children’s children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

Cussing In Gaelic: Happy St. Patrick’s Day! is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

I saw a link on a friend’s FaceBook status last night and clicked it because her description was so intriguing. I nearly died laughing when I read the post. This is yet another reason I call the general public The Free Range Stupid™.

This is how to NOT be a successful realtor:

We have a camera/audio (nanny camish) on our laptop at home. (Don’t ask, my dh is paranoid). Anyway, we rent and the owner asked if his realtor could come over to take a few pictures because he’s thinking of selling after we leave in May. We said ok, so my dh left the camera on and the realtor and her assistant are totally groping each other and kissing on the floor of our living room. My dh just called to tell me. OMG!, There’s audio too and it records!!!.  They stopped and didn’t go pass kissing but WTF. (They also b*tched that we had a baby and how the second bedroom is not as appealing as a nursery)

My dh wants to email the realtor the video. HAHA!

Bonus: The realtor is married and not to her assistant.

Now if it were me, I would post the video on YouTube, send a copy to my landlord AND let the hobag realtor know I have it and am not afraid to use it. How classless do you have to be to use a client’s house for your illicit liaisons with your assistant? Oh and check out this woman’s outfit. Those shoes are more suited for a ho out on the track or a stripper on a pole than a realtor.

Theses are stills from the video the woman’s nanny cam caught and someone then made into an animation.

I hope she is outed for not only being the cheater she is, but for being completely unprofessional. The California housing market is tough right now. If and when she gets exposed, I hope she understands that every one of her clients, past and present, will be wondering if she did the same thing in their house.

And bleaching every possible inch of their homes. And possibly burning their carpets and mattresses. I know I would.

I would most definitely not want someone with such horrible ethics handling the sale or purchase of my family’s home.

This Is How To NOT Be A Successful Realtor is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

We have twisted senses of humor in this house, so it stands to reason that we would like twisted Christmas carols, right? This is my Husbands favorite Christmas song. Blasphemous? Absolutely. But then again he’s a heathen.

You’ll have to admit the song is rather funny, though. I give you, Holy Shit! It’s Christmas by Red Peters.

If the images in the video offend you, the audio only version is first. But this song is definitely not safe for work, mm’kay?

Enjoy.

Audio only:

Red Peters – Holy Shit Its Christmas

And a bonus:

All I Want For Christmas Is…Jews

Twisted Christmas Carols 2010 is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

If you’re a blogger, you will get spam comments. However, it seems to be more prevalent for blogs hosted on WordPress. Probably because of the great SEO capabilities and higher visibility of self-hosted WP sites. Yet another reason you should hire me to migrate your Blogger blog to WP. Just sayin’.

Every once in a while, I get a spam comment that is funny. I’m sure it’s unintentional, but it still gives me a good giggle.

Without further adieu, here are some of the funny spam comments I have received. Enjoy.

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• Greatings, Ugh, I liked! So clear and positively.
• never occurred to him. As he pulled it from his pocket the striker wheel caught dosage elavil icons just where she had sat down on arriving and paid no attention to nizoral Good post and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thanks you as your information. <— This one was from generic wp themes.com
• But wait, there’s more….(Updated)
• I am very impressed with the article I have just read. I wish the author of lastshredsofsanity.com can continue to provide so much practical information and unforgettable experience to lastshredsofsanity.com readers. There is not much to say except the following universal truth: The only advantage in making computers understand English is that it will prove once and for all that programmers can’t write English. I will be back.
• An issue which has plagued humankind since way back when, even though not mentioned in a similar manner, we’ve frequently been curious about, within our certainty if we are alone. In our contemporary world, this approach results in curious gleam everyday living upon many other exoplanets. It is tough to imagine that Life’s distinctive not to mention distinctive to only The planet. This only there are that preferences associated with life as well as random mishaps on the galaxy coalesced into the wonderful baby bed intended for the human race. The reality is, we have, encountered studies which will now there happens to be, by one point, daily life relating to Mars. Small structures within the asteroid that come coming from mars mimic germs. Along with topographical roadmaps for mars present what are obviously river dog beds and additionally formations which might just have been recently having to do with fluids.
• Good news We dont agree with this year MTVs 2010 decision. Please visit our little web poll Lady Gaga can not be better than AcDc Poll supported by Mtv 2010 awards MTVs 2011
• Well “Stupid is as stupid does!” in this occurrence. My brother burned his abode down testing out his brand new fryer. What a convertible retard! I can not believe this person can be so thick. I am positive there are information that say do not use this indoors or something like that. Most average people would consider the garage in the residence.  They lost the whole thing. Here is a picture of the garage: [Link Removed] I was in fact asked if I wanted to come over and eat some pre-Thanksgiving turkey for this weekends Cowboys game. I am genuinely thankful I was unavailable! I guess the turkey fryer was like this one turkey fryers. Anyone else know a friend or neighbor who has burned their home down with a turkey fryer?

At least the spammers are getting a little more creative. The links are still crap, though.

Funny Spam Comments is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

I can never resist a JibJab video. And one starring me is even better. HEH.

I kind of think I look good with the mad scientist hair. It is an interesting look for me…

Enjoy.

I Frankensteined Myself For Halloween is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

If you live in Pennsylvania, you will appreciate this video. For those that don’t live there, I must explain that, according to Amanda, and with the exception of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is much better suited sandwiched between Alabama and Mississippi than New York, New Jersey and Ohio.

Apparently it’s totally redneck up there.

Who knew a northern state could be so…backass country. I thought that was limited to the southern states my Mother’s family hails from.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Enjoy.

And for a bonus, I give you Thank You, Walmart.

WARNING: DO NOT eat or drink anything while watching this video. I do not reimburse for damaged computers. Watch at your own risk.

For Amanda… is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog

I have a love/hate relationship with Apple and WalMart because the company my Husband works for is their biggest shipper. During Christmas I am basically a de facto single mom because he is required to work  10-12 hour days nearly seven days a week starting on Thanksgiving and running right up until Christmas Eve. Then every time Apple launches a new product, it’s more 10-12 hour days until the hype dies down. I love the increased paychecks he gets because it means we can breathe a little easier for a bit, but practically not seeing him for days is hard on us all, especially The Diva. She is such a Daddy’s Girl.

However, when Daddy works this much, he gets grumpy. Real grumpy. Think PMS bitchy but in a man. And he’s sleep deprived. Not a good combination.

A few weeks ago, a friend, I think it was AngryJulie {She’s not really all that angry, just sayin’…), shared the link to this skit from Madtv. It’s called The iPad, only it’s not the one you’re thinking of. I think Steve Jobs stole the idea from the writers of this show.

Apple, Inc. Launches It’s iPad Today, But Did Madtv Invent It First? is a post from: Last Shreds Of Sanity | Blog Designer | California Mom Blog