As many of you know, I have an intolerance for The Free-Range Stupid and they are attracted to me like flies on shit. No kidding. I have joked many times that if I ruled the world, things would run much smoother and my friends agree with that statement. So, in an effort to perpetuate my Bohemian fantasy and bring it into
virtual reality, here are some things I would decree as Ruler of the Universe:
- Any loud noise made before 10am or after 9pm on any day, especially weekends and holidays, would be punishable by either a public stoning or the offender being forced to listen to the full Carpenters library in a sound proof room at high decibel for a period of six months – one year, depending on the severity of the offense. Punishment will be the choice of the law breaker.
- Banda music would be outlawed for time and all eternity. Offenders would be shot immediately.
- Letting your animals run the streets at all hours and/or letting them get into your neighbor’s yard on a constant basis would be punishable by forced work cleaning up all excrement from their neighborhood daily for one year, while wearing a sign saying “My dog shit in your yard because I’m a bad pet owner. Let me clean that up for you while smiling broadly and sincerely”.
- All things Emo, Screamo and sparkly vampire related would be outlawed for time and all eternity. As well as boys wearing Emo bangs and colored skinny jeans that are more appropriate for girls to wear.
- Bullies and gang members would be shipped to a deserted island and told to learn to get along. Or don’t. We’ll check on you in six months.
- Politicians who lie or break campaign promises would be sent to impoverished areas to live for 5 years and made to get real jobs and try to make it like real people do everyday. At the end of the five-year period, they must speak in front of the public and tell us what they have learned and how they plan to fix the issues for real this time.
- All forms of intolerance, except that of The Free-Range Stupid, would be banned. Those who do not want to play well with others would be shipped to another island where they can be intolerant with all the other bigots.
- Stay-At-Home-Moms and Work-At-Home-Moms would get a salary, yearly cost of living increases, five sick days per month and three weeks paid vacation annually. Men who tell the SAHM’s “Why couldn’t you get it done, you have all day?!?!” would have their penises removed and not returned until they get what being a SAHM or WAHM truly entails.
- All citizens would have access to proper medical care without it causing financial hardship or resulting in substandard care.
- Health Insurance and Pharmaceutical companies who care only about their healthy bottom line would be a blur and a bad memory.Those truly responsible for the mortgage meltdown would be sentenced to life with hard labor. Yes, I’m talking to you, Nancy Pelosi and your band of Liberal Idiots.
- It would be legal to maim The Free-Range Stupid.