Mother Nature Has PMS

[ 9 ] November 24, 2009 |
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Yes, I am talking to YOU, Mother Nature. You seem to have a hatred going on for SoCal and I am here to tell you you need to build a bridge and get over it. Pronto. It is going to be 90* on Thanksgiving! NINETY degrees. Umm, hello? I have a huge dinner to cook, one oven and no central air. It’s NOVEMBER for God’s sake!

Did you hear that? N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R. As in one month until Christmas. As in the Holiday Season. As in…well, you get my point.

We are supposed to be all dressed in cozy sweaters, boots and eating a hot, calorie laden, but oh so good meal. When it is that hot out here, all I want to do is be as still as possible so as not to generate any more heat than is necessary for my body to function properly. As you can guess, that is not very conducive to getting a full Thanksgiving meal prepared, cooked and on the table by mid afternoon.

Why are you mixing the seasons up on a daily basis around here? It may be predicted to be 90* on Thanksgiving, but it will be in the mid 40’s that night!! Talk about your hot flashes!

And don’t even get me started on those devil Santa Ana winds!

Yes the winds are blowing like a freight train as we speak. It’s supposed to be FALL, not Summer, Lady. The nasty winds give me atrocious migraines, dry out my skin and eyes, congest my sinuses {And those of my family} and make it difficult to sleep. Not to mention the horrendous amount of shit that gets blown into my yard that I have to clean up. I have enough messes of my own, I do not need to have the added task of cleaning up other people’s trash from my yard.

Oh and let us not forget what Santa Ana winds truly mean in SoCal…FIRE. Yes fire. As in forest, brush and arson. Every psycho with a hard on for flames will be trying to set something ablaze right now. They always do. This is SoCal, we have dry tinder brush, a severe lack of rain and more village idiots per capita than any other state in the Union. You think this little wind episode is going to pass without at least one wind whipped fire? I think not. And the chances that it will be caused by spontaneous combustion is slim and none.

Mother, can’t you take a page from the immortal Mrs. Claus, who in the claymation Christmas classic The Year Without A Santa Claus, convinced Heat Miser to let it snow in South Town for one day {As long as his brother, Snow Miser, allowed him to make it sweltering at The North Pole}? Come on, give a fellow sista a break and give me some real Autumn weather. Or some rain. Or something besides heat and relentless, blowing winds. Please?

If you don’t straighten this mess of weather out, I will be forced to tell Santa you have been a very naughty girl this year and you will get nothing but coal in your Christmas stocking. I will also spread it around that you either have perpetual PMS and are in need of some industrial strength Midol or are going through The Change and in need of Hormone Replacement Therapy, thereby revealing your true age. I will also tell how you are taking your hormone fueled rage out on the innocent citizens of SoCal.

You really don’t want me to have to resort that now do you?

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Category: My Opinions

About the Author ()

I'm Shan and I 'm the creator of The Asylum and a magnet for The Free Range Stupid™. I'm a little nutty, a lot sarcastic and pretty damn smart. I am also a graphic designer, blog coder, virtual assistant, free lance writer and can whip you up a killer resume, media kit or press release that would make others green with envy. Go to Skewed Design Studios to check out my services. You won't be disappointed.

Comments (9)

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  1. Brittany says:

    LOL Mother Nature is bi-polar be nice!!!!!

  2. HUN Im in AZ I can so totally relate I want to decorate so stinkin bad but all I can say is Bahh humbug its too hot to be festive!

  3. Anne B says:

    My parents [in North FL] called me to say it will be in the 60's Friday [40's in the AM] and not to bring shorts ~ it would be cold. We're coming from VA where it's been in the 50's all week. I couldn't help but laugh.

    I would gladly send you some of our cool air in exchange for your warm [okay, hot] ~ wait, that didn't come out right. lol

  4. Jessica says:

    You sound like you are getting the same weather as I am getting in Texas. Minus the Santa Anna winds.

  5. Oh honey I hate to say this but Mother Nature is like that to all of us. It was so foggy this morning that my poor son asked what was on fire. Although if you move to the east coast there is at least some change in seasons.

  6. I know what you mean. I could wear shorts yesterday. INSANE!

  7. Kelly says:

    I hear you. On halloween I was sweating. It is ridiculous

  8. Ugh…I remember way too many Christmases like that as a kid. Hope She catches your drift soon!

  9. Haasiegirl says:

    hmm, it said it wont let me comment. Let me try again. 90 is amazing! I need to get me some of that!

    trisha

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