Yes, I am talking to YOU, Mother Nature. You seem to have a hatred going on for SoCal and I am here to tell you you need to build a bridge and get over it. Pronto. It is going to be 90* on Thanksgiving! NINETY degrees. Umm, hello? I have a huge dinner to cook, one oven and no central air. It’s NOVEMBER for God’s sake!

Did you hear that? N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R. As in one month until Christmas. As in the Holiday Season. As in…well, you get my point.

We are supposed to be all dressed in cozy sweaters, boots and eating a hot, calorie laden, but oh so good meal. When it is that hot out here, all I want to do is be as still as possible so as not to generate any more heat than is necessary for my body to function properly. As you can guess, that is not very conducive to getting a full Thanksgiving meal prepared, cooked and on the table by mid afternoon.

Why are you mixing the seasons up on a daily basis around here? It may be predicted to be 90* on Thanksgiving, but it will be in the mid 40′s that night!! Talk about your hot flashes!

And don’t even get me started on those devil Santa Ana winds!

Yes the winds are blowing like a freight train as we speak. It’s supposed to be FALL, not Summer, Lady. The nasty winds give me atrocious migraines, dry out my skin and eyes, congest my sinuses {And those of my family} and make it difficult to sleep. Not to mention the horrendous amount of shit that gets blown into my yard that I have to clean up. I have enough messes of my own, I do not need to have the added task of cleaning up other people’s trash from my yard.

Oh and let us not forget what Santa Ana winds truly mean in SoCal…FIRE. Yes fire. As in forest, brush and arson. Every psycho with a hard on for flames will be trying to set something ablaze right now. They always do. This is SoCal, we have dry tinder brush, a severe lack of rain and more village idiots per capita than any other state in the Union. You think this little wind episode is going to pass without at least one wind whipped fire? I think not. And the chances that it will be caused by spontaneous combustion is slim and none.

Mother, can’t you take a page from the immortal Mrs. Claus, who in the claymation Christmas classic “The Year Without A Santa Claus“, convinced Heat Miser to let it snow in South Town for one day {As long as his brother, Snow Miser, allowed him to make it sweltering at The North Pole}? Come on, give a fellow sista a break and give me some real Autumn weather. Or some rain. Or something besides heat and relentless, blowing winds. Please?

If you don’t straighten this mess of weather out, I will be forced to tell Santa you have been a very naughty girl this year and you will get nothing but coal in your Christmas stocking. I will also spread it around that you either have perpetual PMS and are in need of some industrial strength Midol or are going through The Change and in need of Hormone Replacement Therapy, thereby revealing your true age. I will also tell how you are taking your hormone fueled rage out on the innocent citizens of SoCal.

You really don’t want me to have to resort that now do you?

Yes, I am talking to YOU, Mother Nature. You seem to have a hatred going on for SoCal and I am here to tell you you need to build a bridge and get over it. Pronto. It is going to be 90* on Thanksgiving! NINETY degrees. Umm, hello? I have a huge dinner to cook, one oven and no central air. It’s NOVEMBER for God’s sake!

Did you hear that? N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R. As in one month until Christmas. As in the Holiday Season. As in…well, you get my point.

We are supposed to be all dressed in cozy sweaters, boots and eating a hot, calorie laden, but oh so good meal. When it is that hot out here, all I want to do is be as still as possible so as not to generate any more heat than is necessary for my body to function properly. As you can guess, that is not very conducive to getting a full Thanksgiving meal prepared, cooked and on the table by mid afternoon.

Why are you mixing the seasons up on a daily basis around here? It may be predicted to be 90* on Thanksgiving, but it will be in the mid 40′s that night!! Talk about your hot flashes!

And don’t even get me started on those devil Santa Ana winds!

Yes the winds are blowing like a freight train as we speak. It’s supposed to be FALL, not Summer, Lady. The nasty winds give me atrocious migraines, dry out my skin and eyes, congest my sinuses {And those of my family} and make it difficult to sleep. Not to mention the horrendous amount of shit that gets blown into my yard that I have to clean up. I have enough messes of my own, I do not need to have the added task of cleaning up other people’s trash from my yard.

Oh and let us not forget what Santa Ana winds truly mean in SoCal…FIRE. Yes fire. As in forest, brush and arson. Every psycho with a hard on for flames will be trying to set something ablaze right now. They always do. This is SoCal, we have dry tinder brush, a severe lack of rain and more village idiots per capita than any other state in the Union. You think this little wind episode is going to pass without at least one wind whipped fire? I think not. And the chances that it will be caused by spontaneous combustion is slim and none.

Mother, can’t you take a page from the immortal Mrs. Claus, who in the claymation Christmas classic “The Year Without A Santa Claus“, convinced Heat Miser to let it snow in South Town for one day {As long as his brother, Snow Miser, allowed him to make it sweltering at The North Pole}? Come on, give a fellow sista a break and give me some real Autumn weather. Or some rain. Or something besides heat and relentless, blowing winds. Please?

If you don’t straighten this mess of weather out, I will be forced to tell Santa you have been a very naughty girl this year and you will get nothing but coal in your Christmas stocking. I will also spread it around that you either have perpetual PMS and are in need of some industrial strength Midol or are going through The Change and in need of Hormone Replacement Therapy, thereby revealing your true age. I will also tell how you are taking your hormone fueled rage out on the innocent citizens of SoCal.

You really don’t want me to have to resort that now do you?