Tales Of The Free Range Stupid: Full Moon Edition

[ 25 ] June 27, 2010 |

There is a reason I prefer to not leave my house most days…The Free Range Stupid. I seem to be the Apostle for them, as everywhere I go, I encounter them. Whether it be the customer service agent on the phone, the cashier at the grocery store or the customers in the store I am shopping at, I always run smack into them. It’s annoying and the more I venture out of my comfort zone, the quicker I reach my stupid quotient for the week or day.

My friend Amanda says it’s worse right now because it was a full moon last night. If only that were true.

Yesterday was an especially rife day for The Free Range Stupid in my sphere.

Around 7pm, I was sitting on my back patio, talking on the phone with Amanda, when I saw the branches of the tree behind my fence rustle and move. I assumed it was the next door neighbor’s dog who frequently gets behind the fence and chases the stray cats or a bird. Imagine my surprise when,  just a few seconds later, I saw a bald head pop up behind my back fence and a man jump into my backyard!

He the proceeded to run through my yard, open the back gate, run through my front yard, climb over my front fence and run up the street away from my house. I screamed “what the fuck are you doing in my yard, asshole? GET OUT!!” He mumbled what sounded like “sorry”. I opened the back door and yelled for my Husband to go out the front door because there was a strange man running through our yard.

He had just gotten out of the shower so he sprinted out the front door in a towel screaming at the asshat. Then he ran back in the house, grabbed his car keys and some shorts and took off after him in the car.

I called 911.

Of course the guy wasn’t found by either the cops or my Husband.

A little while later, we all packed into the car to run to the store, gas up and grab a quick easy supper at the drive through.

Can you guess where I am going with this?

We got to our local Stater Bros. market, parked and I sent my Husband inside to grab a couple of necessities. My car was parked.

As in not moving.

As in motor turned off.

As in stationary.

And some new version of The Free Range Stupid comes out of nowhere (I was reading, so I’m not exactly sure where he came from) and backs up into my parked car.


He backed up into my parked car.

Then he took off.

Let me say that again.

The drunk Free Range Stupid pulled a hit and run on my parked vehicle in the grocery store parking lot.

There were witnesses. One was a store employee who had just finished her shift.

I called 911.


For the second time in less than two hours.

Because The Free Range Stupid hit my parked vehicle.

And left the scene.

Because he was drunk.

And because Amanda cursed me with her “You’re like the Apostle for The Free Range Stupid. They always flock to you.” Yeah thanks for that one, dear.

For the record, because I live in Crazy Town, we are patrolled by both the Sheriff and the CHP. Sheriff’s respond to non-traffic related crimes. The CHP respond to traffic incidents. So you have to decide in an emergency what agency you need depending on the nature of the crime that your are experiencing. This was for a traffic accident with a hit and run, on private property, so I had to call the CHP. Apparently they only have one traffic collision officer for two counties and he was at an injury collision where the fire department was called. Which meant that he could not come to take a report from me until he cleared that scene. It could have been hours before he got to my location. I was advised to go into my local CHP office and give a desk report.

On Monday.

Between 8am and 5 pm.

But a broadcast of the valid Washington state license plate of the asshat who hit me was put out. So if they come across drunk MoFo, they can arrest him.

Because he committed a hit and run.

On my parked car.

In the grocery store parking lot.

With me and The Diva inside.

I’m not holding my breath.

But if I do come across this guy’s car, you can be sure that he will not be able to go anywhere in that vehicle once I’m done. Cuz I’m a bitch like that.

I am sick and tired of being the Patron Saint Of The Free Range Stupid, Murphy’s long standing obsession and knowing that freaky, random shit always happens to me so I have come to expect it.

I would like to be normal. Or at least semi-normal.

And drama free.

Just for a little bit.

Maybe just long enough for us to buy our own house and get fully moved in. Is this too much to ask?

Who am I kidding? Of course it is.

Tags: , ,

Category: The Free Range Stupid

About the Author ()

I'm Shan and I 'm the creator of The Asylum and a magnet for The Free Range Stupid™. I'm a little nutty, a lot sarcastic and pretty damn smart. I am also a graphic designer, blog coder, virtual assistant, free lance writer and can whip you up a killer resume, media kit or press release that would make others green with envy. Go to Skewed Design Studios to check out my services. You won't be disappointed.

Comments (25)

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  1. Alison says:

    Poor Shan. That is just CRAZY! Wanna hear another crazy story. So last June I was nice and prego minding my own business in the house. When I hear CRASH!!! BANG BOOM CRASH! I was like WTF is that shit! I go outside, my husband took the van and not his car that day to work, and what do I see right hen I open the door across the street? My husband’s car SMASHED into smitherens… I got that damn car’s license plate as they sat a little further ahead. Started screaming it at them as they sped away. Bastards. But thank god my husband’s car was there, because he protected two little kids going to the school bus. My husband’s car was totalled. But thank god he wasn’t hurt, and no body else.

    There was no reason why they skidded and t-boned his car. There were no other cars, lots of witnesses. I was out their hyperventilating with other neighbors on the phone with the cops and than I’m on the phone with my husband. It was horrible.
    Alison recently posted..4 Giveaways ending Soon 3 low entries-My Profile

  2. sarah says:

    Glad you and the diva are safe. Good lord you have some luck. Maybe a move is in order??

  3. Julia says:

    Sorry you had so many run ins with the lesser brained community. I find the full moon really does bring them out in force and then some. Hopefully you can track down that asshat that backed into you.
    Julia recently posted..YAY Comment Luv is up and running-My Profile

  4. Susan says:

    Man Shan that just crazy those things happening to you. I guess never leaving the house again isn’t an option lol. Be careful out there.

  5. Amanda says:

    You need to live in a bubble.
    Amanda recently posted..Recent Sales and Promotions I’ve SeenMy Profile

    • Shan says:

      I have been saying that for years. My Husband always thought that I was just being a bitter, mean person when I said people were stupid. He knows better now.

  6. Wow- crazy day! You definitely need a bubble LOL
    Eve @ Designing WIth Eve recently posted..Positive Inspiration- Flags and AirplanesMy Profile

  7. Katie says:

    I seem to be a magnet for them, too. I was rear ended by a drunk driver on Wednesday at 12:30 in the afternoon. Who the hell gets drunk enough by 12:30 on a Wednesday afternoon?

    I’m glad you’re ok, at least!
    Katie recently posted..Pink Power Moms: Nominate Your Pink Power Mom!My Profile

    • Shan says:

      I read that post. I tried to comment, but your blog won’t let me. I hope you get the car fixed soon and are able to get a new car seat.

  8. Robin says:

    Good luck. I gave the plate and both vehicle & driver description when I was hit & run. They looked it up and said yeah, the plate was registered to a green van, and they had the address. It was from another town, but I live in RI, the whole damn state is smaller than some counties.

    Nothing ever came of it.
    Robin recently posted..Giveaway- Limited Edition Patriotic Pillow PetMy Profile

    • Shan says:

      Yeah, I have no idea what will ever happen with either of these crimes. Probably nothing.

      I want enough money to either buy my own island or a few acres in the country so that I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s shit.

      I think it would be a safer alternative to trying to live in the world with The Free Range Stupid.

  9. Brittany says:

    Jesus Shan I hope you don’t go out again. But if you do bring a flack jacket for yourself and bubble wrap for anyone else with you.
    Brittany recently posted..Local Breeze – Phoenix- AZMy Profile

    • Shan says:

      Oh har har, Boo. I keep trying to tell people that this shit happens to me all the time. No one believes me. They think I’M being bitchy but that is not the case. These people are out there and I have a homing beacon on my head that I cannot turn off.

      It BLOWS.

  10. That is unbelievable and crazy all at the same time…Wow..just wow!

  11. nicóle says:

    “Free Range Stupid”. LOVE it!!! I’d look into trademarking that one if you can! 🙂

    What a day. I had someone recently back into my parked car at a Lowes. He did however stop.

  12. There are some crazy/dumb people out there. Glad no one was hurt when your parked car was backed into!
    Tired Mom Tésa recently posted..Cleveland 3-Day for the Cure- Only 23 Days to Go-My Profile

  13. My hubby wants to start an “I hate stupid people” Club. You want in? LOL Some people! good luck with those police reports!
    TheSuburbanMom recently posted..Free Ziploc Back-to-School Gift PackMy Profile

  14. Yeah, this is EXACTLY why I stay in!
    Bobbie (OneScrappyMom) recently posted..My Toothbrush- My Way-My Profile

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