That’s It! I’m Wrapping My House In Plastic And Not Leaving It…

[ 7 ] April 30, 2009 |
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Not until this Swine Flu Pandemic is over, anyway!


~*~This post is meant to be sort of tongue~in~cheek. No one seems to get my sarcasm, so I decided to put up a disclaimer. This concludes the disclaimer. You may continue reading now.~*~

I mentioned this last week. I was worried then. Now The World Health Organization has raised the Pandemic threat level to 5, the second highest level. This means that “a Swine Flu Pandemic is eminent.” Oh, just effin peachy! Are you kidding me with this crap? The economy is in the toilet, we have a Socialist for President, Billary is a few heartbeats away from the Commander~In~Chief spot {I know that isn’t the usual path to succession, but she will find a way. She lost the nomination and still made it into the Cabinet. “Nuff said.} and Pelosi, dear God, is a mere two heartbeats away from being H.B.I.C! We. Are. So. Screwed.

Does no one get the irony of this pandemic being made public coinciding with Obama’s visit to Mexico? Anyone? Or maybe it is poetic justice {in a decidedly sick, rather twisted way}? Obama tries to throw money at an economy that is brain dead, giving each man, woman and child in this country a $66,000 debt, decimates Social Security, raises taxes on us little people, wants to socialize everything and heralds a Swine Flu Pandemic into our country by one little “goodwill trip”. Aww, come on! Has Obama or any of his entourage been quarantined yet? Lawdy Be! This is horrible!

On top of everything else I worry about as a Mom and Neurotic, now I’ve got the Swine Flu to give me more anxiety. Gee. Thanks. Oh, and just to add more worry to this grey matter I call a brain, our local news announced tonight that there are confirmed cases of the Swine Flu one city over from me in three separate directions! Perfect. Just flippin perfect.

Then there is The Diva. My beautiful, amazing, highly intelligent but insanity robbing four year old daughter. Last night, we all went to the grocery store. As we were walking in, my Husband and I told her not to touch, lick or kiss anything because of this bad sickness that was going around. She cheerfully promised to follow the rules. That lasted about 30 seconds. The deli cases at our neighborhood Albertson’s have mirrored sides and backs. The Diva decided she had to lick her reflection. I. Am. In. Hell. Now I get to freak out about every cough, spot, scratch, etc. that she gets for the next God~Only~Knows~How~Long because The Diva didn’t get her flu shot this season. Mommyhood: Never a dull moment. Or a peaceful one. Or…Oh, hell, I’m done.

Want to hear my little theory about the Mexican Swine Flu and the U.S.? Our government will most likely not close the borders, but The Minutemen sure will try to. On top of which, we will have a mass exodus of illegal immigrants into border states who are trying to escape the epidemic. The Minutemen will get trigger happy. The Mexican Mafia will get involved. The pandemic will spread throughout North America and the world. The Minutemen will still be trigger happy. The Mexican Mafia has always been trigger happy. And evil. The Socialist will declare a police state with curfews and designated “safe” areas. It will be loads of fun. {This is all just a theory and pure sarcasm from my twisted mind, so don’t get your knickers in a twist, OK?}.

In my neck of the woods, we have at least three schools shut down for one week each, canceled Proms, a confirmed case of a infected Marine in Twenty Nine Palms and several high school and elementary school age victims, all in a predominately Hispanic region. Most of whom regularly travel to Mexico to visit family, including my daughter’s neighborhood friends. So…Like I said earlier, I am thinking about wrapping the outside of my house in plastic wrap, covered in Lysol and hand sanitizer, and not letting my family leave until this pandemic is over! Or maybe I could find one of those well stocked bomb shelters from the 1950’s and we could move in there? Yeah, that sounds like the ticket!

The only bright spot in this whole thing for me is that pork is still safe to eat. Thank God for that! I was going to have to break out my pimp hand on someone if couldn’t eat my bacon anymore!

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Category: The Diva

About the Author ()

I'm Shan and I 'm the creator of The Asylum and a magnet for The Free Range Stupid™. I'm a little nutty, a lot sarcastic and pretty damn smart. I am also a graphic designer, blog coder, virtual assistant, free lance writer and can whip you up a killer resume, media kit or press release that would make others green with envy. Go to Skewed Design Studios to check out my services. You won't be disappointed.

Comments (7)

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  1. For some reason, I’m just not buying into this whole panic thing. I’m just not!

    Common sense stuff. Wash your hands. Wash your body. Clean your home. Lysol and Clorox – everything. After all – don’t stress. Stressing just lowers your body’s immune system! Barring dehydration, how can this kill you???? I dunno, just not worrying about this right now.

  2. Grand Pooba says:

    More people have died from the regular flu than this swine crap. If their closing schools, they should close down office buildings too. I’m going on strike.

  3. Roxy says:

    36,000 people a year die of common flu in the USA every year.

    Pandemic or panic? Is this the left over “I told you so!” from bird flu?

    I love the US reaction to the 1976 outbreak of swine flu. The vaccinations killed more than the virus!

    If only it could just target the stupid.

  4. I loved the licking story. That was so precious. I could just see my daughter doing the same thing when she was four. Thanks for sharing….

  5. LadyStyx says:

    Jeannie’s right…stressing just makes you more susceptible because it drives your immune system down. Keep things clean and things should be ok.

  6. LadyStyx says:

    LOL!!! @ the disclaimer! Too cute.

    WW up

  7. Megan says:

    This whole thing is making my head spin. Of course the media is just making it all worse than I’m sure it needs to be. Blah!

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