Top 10 Last Minute Valentine Gifts NOT To Buy For Your Woman. Unless You Want To Get Kicked In The Nuts.
Today is Valentine’s Day. That made up by Hallmark day created to boost sales of greeting cards, stress out the men who forgot and make women without a love of their own play Adele’s Someone Like You on an endless loop while crying the ugly cry.
Yes, the day where you are either blissfully in love or thisclose to crawling into a bottle of Stoli. There is no in between today. No happy medium. You either have a Valentine or you feel like no one will ever love you. During lunch hours and rush hours today, the stores will be packed with those who failed to plan ahead. Or who received a not so subtle reminder from their wives last night. And no doubt, these poor saps will purchase things that no woman would consider a gift that represents the giver’s enduring love.
So I give you a warning. Call it a public service announcement, if you will.
These are the top 10 last minute gifts not to buy for your woman unless you want to get kicked in the nuts:
- A Snuggie – what, you can’t be bothered to keep your woman warm?
- Cookware – unless you plan on being the one to use it.
- Any cleaning implement
- A Chia Pet
- Lingerie – we buy that to wear for you, dumbass, not the other way around.
- An empty jewelry box – there better be something in there or you’re toast.
- Chocolates – we buy those tomorrow when they’re half price, numnuts. Stop spending frivolously or you’ll be in bigger trouble than you already are.
- A Forever Lazy – although my friend Jenny from The Shed loves the one she stole from her husband. But she’s the exception to the rule. Most women will kick you twice in the nads for this one. Also see #1.
- A child’s Valentine card – knowing that you were too lazy to get a real card so you raided what was left of the kids’ class cards will put you in the dog house until at least the 4th of July, if not ’til Christmas.
- A Valentine card not meant for the love of your life — using the excuse “it’s all they had left” will not help your argument. Trust me on this.
Should you lose your damn mind and buy any of these taboo items, I highly suggest you take tomorrow off, get thee to the jewelry store and buy her something sparkly. Add a few spa treatments to that gift for good measure. Oh, and clean the house for her. The right way. It’s the only way you might get yourself out of the dog house and laid before the 2012 Apocalypse. Otherwise, it’ll be just you and your hand for the foreseeable future.
Category: I Got Your Funny Right Here!