I Hate February. And Lent.

[ 3 ] February 26, 2012 |

I should probably explain why I hate February. And Lent. Here goes: when members of my Husband’s family die, it’s usually in February. I have no idea why. Maybe they don’t like Summer in SoCal. Normally this would not be an issue, however they tend to pass near the end of the month and the funerals generally get scheduled for about aweek later.

On my birthday. March 1st. It’s happened several times already.

At least my relatives have the good manners to die in either January or November, thereby completely leaving my birthday alone and also not messing with Christmas or Thanksgiving. Much. Hubs’ relatives, however, tend to do this follow the leader thing and they have picked the second month of the year as the family’s  “drop like flies month”.

This past Thursday, my Husband’s paternal Grandmother passed away.  She was 95 years old, had just recovered from a stroke and was a very tough lady. Unfortunately, this was not unexpected.

I asked my husband, half-jokingly, but actually dead serious, if we could ask his family to please not schedule the funeral for my birthday. He laughed and said no. Asshole. However, I knew my fate was already sealed. You see, two years ago almost to the day, Hubs’ maternal Grandmother died. Her funeral was on my 39th birthday. His mother’s side of the family had enough manners to wait until the wake/reception/food thingy — held in the ballroom of a swanky hotel — to start fighting and bitching about who got what of their mom’s possessions. It did not end well.

Yesterday, my FIL informed us that the funeral  for his mother would be — can you guess? — on my birthday.

My Husband immediately laughed, gave me a look and reminded his dad that it was also my 41st birthday. That’s when my FIL explained that he had tried to schedule the service for Friday, but because of Lent, no priests were available for services on that day — or any Friday, apparently, until the Lenten season ends with Easter.

So this is why all those funerals were on my day! Now I hate Lent. What? It’s better than blaming a dead relative for having the audacity to die in February, isn’t it? I’m not even Catholic and I have had to give up my birthdays because of it. And the day before as well because funerals in this family last two damn days.

Don’t judge me.

Doesn’t that score me points somewhere? A non-Catholic sacrificing for Lent has to count for  something, right?

I’m assuming the Publishes Clearing House guy  will be here shortly with my giant check with multiple zeros or the lottery ticket I bought is a big winner. Because being forced to spend your birthdays at funerals with people who may or may not want to shank each other just to get their hands on any money the deceased left lying around is not my idea of a good time. And sometimes the food at these things sucks so we end up stopping at Tommy’s for grub on the way home.

Then I end up with heartburn.

When I was pregnant with The Diva, Hubby’s maternal aunt died, but because the funeral was two days before my actual due date and I was on bed-rest, we didn’t have to go. I did have an OB appointment on my birthday, though.

This year, as in several years past, we will have to drive to Los Angeles two days in a row and go to a funeral at St. {insert female name}’s Catholic church followed by a graveside service at the huge flowery cemetery on the hill where nearly every one of my Husband’s deceased relatives are buried. I’m not kidding. His mom, maternal grandmother and step-grandfather,  three of his four uncles, paternal grandfather and now paternal grandmother are all buried there — and that’s just the ones I can remember off-hand. His family is huge. They are all in a different section of that place, too. It’s like they wanted to be peppered around here and there for good measure. Or they just didn’t want to spend their eternal rests next to the ones that drove them batshit crazy in life.

The Diva has to be pulled out of school for this. OY.

Thank God, my FIL told me he wants to be cremated because it’s cheaper and the military will cover most of the expenses. He wants his ashes interned at The Punch Bowl in Hawaii. Hubby is thrilled with that idea because it means a free vacation to the islands we love so much.

What? I didn’t say it, he did.

I suggested we sprinkle him at Disneyland. The jury’s still out on that one.

Remember all the times I told you guys that weird, random shit always happens to me and that I’m a magnet for The Free Range Stupid? Do you believe me now?

PS: This time I’m wearing my birthday tiara to the funeral and I don’t care what anyone says about it. Should scary SIL pipe up, I may take a cue from her mama’s side of the family and shank a bitch. I’m no longer required to be polite to her since certain matriarchs have passed away and 23 years is way too fucking long for me to bite my tongue where she’s concerned. Plus, my tongue is very sore.

Bring it.


Tags: , ,

Category: My Opinions

About the Author ()

I'm Shan and I 'm the creator of The Asylum and a magnet for The Free Range Stupid™. I'm a little nutty, a lot sarcastic and pretty damn smart. I am also a graphic designer, blog coder, virtual assistant, free lance writer and can whip you up a killer resume, media kit or press release that would make others green with envy. Go to Skewed Design Studios to check out my services. You won't be disappointed.

Comments (3)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Oh, Lawd! LOL! Only you, girl. I hope someday you can really celebrate your birthday the way you deserve!
    Mommy Cracked recently posted..Eye CandyMy Profile

    • Shan says:

      Yeah, I know. I tell people this stuff and no one believes me. I fear that until all of Hubs’ family has passed, my birthdays will still be subject to funerals.

      However, if we win the lottery or Publishers Clearing House, we can move out of state and then will only have to attend the important funerals like his dad, Padrinos (Spanish for Godparents), favored aunt/uncle, niece/nephew or a sibling. However, he still has a ton of the aforementioned living so I may be in my 60’s before I can have a good birthday. By that time I’ll be too damn old to do the things I wanted to do anyway.

  2. Sebastian says:

    February is the coldest month of the year and it’s my birthday month. I hate having a cold birthday. This is what I don’t like about February. Winter is too cold. If February only had 15 days, it would speed up.

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge