If I Ruled The World, Things Would Run Much Smoother

[ 8 ] April 2, 2011 |

As many of you know, I have an intolerance for The Free-Range Stupid and they are attracted to me like flies on shit. No kidding. I have joked many times that if I ruled the world, things would run much smoother and my friends agree with that statement. So, in an effort to perpetuate my Bohemian fantasy and bring it into virtual reality, here are some things I would decree as Ruler of the Universe:

  1. Any loud noise made before 10am or after 9pm on any day, especially weekends and holidays, would be punishable by either a public stoning or the offender being forced to listen to the full Carpenters library in a sound proof room at high decibel for a period of six months – one year, depending on the severity of the offense. Punishment will be the choice of the law breaker.
  2.  Banda music would be outlawed for time and all eternity. Offenders would be shot immediately.
  3.  Letting your animals run the streets at all hours and/or letting them get into your neighbor’s yard on a constant basis would be punishable by forced work cleaning up all excrement from their neighborhood daily for one year, while wearing a sign saying “My dog shit in your yard because I’m a bad pet owner. Let me clean that up for you while smiling broadly and sincerely”.
  4.  All things Emo, Screamo and sparkly vampire related would be outlawed for time and all eternity. As well as boys wearing Emo bangs and colored skinny jeans that are more appropriate for girls to wear.
  5.  Bullies and gang members would be shipped to a deserted island and told to learn to get along. Or don’t. We’ll check on you in six months.
  6.  Politicians who lie or break campaign promises would be sent to impoverished areas to live for 5 years and made to get real jobs and try to make it like real people do everyday. At the end of the five-year period, they must speak in front of the public and tell us what they have learned and how they plan to fix the issues for real this time.
  7.  All forms of intolerance, except that of The Free-Range Stupid, would be banned. Those who do not want to play well with others would be shipped to another island where they can be intolerant with all the other bigots.
  8.  Stay-At-Home-Moms and Work-At-Home-Moms would get a salary, yearly cost of living increases, five sick days per month and three weeks paid vacation annually. Men who tell the SAHM’s “Why couldn’t you get it done, you have all day?!?!” would have their penises removed and not returned until they get what being a SAHM or WAHM truly entails.
  9.  All citizens would have access to proper medical care without it causing financial hardship or resulting in substandard care.
  10.  Health Insurance and Pharmaceutical companies who care only about their healthy bottom line would be a blur and a bad memory.Those truly responsible for the mortgage meltdown would be sentenced to life with hard labor. Yes, I’m talking to you, Nancy Pelosi and your band of Liberal Idiots.
  11.  It would be legal to maim The Free-Range Stupid.

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Category: Memes, Thoughts

About the Author ()

I'm Shan and I 'm the creator of The Asylum and a magnet for The Free Range Stupid™. I'm a little nutty, a lot sarcastic and pretty damn smart. I am also a graphic designer, blog coder, virtual assistant, free lance writer and can whip you up a killer resume, media kit or press release that would make others green with envy. Go to Skewed Design Studios to check out my services. You won't be disappointed.

Comments (8)

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  1. LadyStyx says:

    Sounds good. I would make a few minor tweaks, though.

    The punishment of the full Carpenters library won’t bother those with ecclectic tastes. Hell, they’ll probably sing along (even Barry Manilow won’t bother them, trust me on this one). I’d suggest any number of earworm type songs, or the theme from the Sheri Lewis show (The Song That Has No End) ad nauseum. Not at high decibel, however, because we don’t want them deaf. We just want them driven insane. Plain ol insane is much better then deaf and insane any day (ask me, I know).

    The intolerant ones need to go on the same island as the bullies and gang members because they’re all intolerant of those that don’t conform to their ways. We just must make sure to assign each group with a different color, that’ll help with a higher turn over and thus make room for new idiots on a regular basis. No sense polluting more than one island with the same scum, ya know.

    Politicians in general should have to work in several service type industries for that period of 5 years in impoverished areas, another 2 helping in disaster relief and then have to speak in public about what they’ve learned BEFORE they even come to office in the first place. We can call it “training”. They then need to go in for another 6 months every 5 years for “refresher training” and should get surprise inspections to make certain they’re still in the right mind-set.
    LadyStyx recently posted..Unique engagement ringMy Profile

  2. feefifoto says:

    But… but… I kind of like the Carpenters.

    I like the part about the desert islands, but is it really necessary to check back with them?
    feefifoto recently posted..One Small Strike Against School BullyingMy Profile

    • Shan says:

      I only said the part about checking in on them to satisfy the ACLU freaks. Once they’re on the island, they’re on their own. LOL

      And what would you suggest instead of The Carpenters? Barry Manilow? Michael Martin Murphy? Maybe America or Kansas? LOL It needs to be bad 70’s crap. That will drive anyone mad. 😀

      • feefifoto says:

        Oh! Oh! I know this one! Call on me!

        Okay, here it is. Play this over and over and over:

        You ask me if I love you
        And I choke on my reply
        I’d rather hurt you honestly
        Than mislead you with a lie
        And who am I to judge you
        On what you say or do?
        I’m only just beginning to see the real you

        And sometimes when we touch
        The honesty’s too much
        And I have to close my eyes and hide
        I wanna hold you til I die
        Til we both break down and cry
        I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

        Romance and all its strategy
        Leaves me battling with my pride
        But through the insecurity
        Some tenderness survives
        I’m just another writer
        Still trapped within my truth
        A hesitant prize fighter
        Still trapped within my youth

        And sometimes when we touch
        The honesty’s too much
        And I have to close my eyes and hide
        I wanna hold you til I die
        Til we both break down and cry
        I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

        At times I’d like to break you
        And drive you to your knees
        At times I’d like to break through
        And hold you endlessly

        At times I understand you
        And I know how hard you’ve tried
        I’ve watched while love commands you
        And I’ve watched love pass you by

        At times I think we’re drifters
        Still searching for a friend
        A brother or a sister
        But then the passion flares again

        And sometimes when we touch
        The honesty’s too much
        And I have to close my eyes and hide
        I wanna hold you til I die
        Til we both break down and cry
        I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
        feefifoto recently posted..I Am MossierMy Profile

        • Shan says:

          OMG I HATE THAT SONG!!! LOL That is the most horrible song ever written. LOL Really it’s about a guy who just wants a booty call and PRETENDS to be all sensitive and stuff. Isn’t that by Bread?

          And now that song is stuck in my head. LOL

  3. Eddie says:

    The person who wrote this has to much time on there hands. It is one of the most moronic things I have ever read I am now dumber for stumbling upon this website

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